Monthly Archives: November 2010

WigWig comes to Emirates for a Carling Spoon Adventure, Farma’s enigmatic comeback and el Classico

Good Morning to you all from another harmattan infested day.

I just love it when a wish comes true.

I hoped for a mauling, they got a mauling. I also prayed for a Messi hattrick and Ramos own goal. I got a Messi masterclass and a Ramos red card. Moaninho finally entered spanish record books for all †нє wrong reasons. He said that we haven’t won a trophy in 5 years, Madrid had not conceded more than 4 goals in 17 years. He got 5. This was also †нє first time Barca dominated with 78% possession, †нє dirtiest El Classico so far with Moaninho’s thugs getting †нє bulk of †нє cards. His teams always have a stint of thuggery related to them. Inter vs Catania (2 red cards) , Chelsea…..
Arsenal went to Nou Camp with Silvestre in †нє ĦeãЯt of †нє defence. It ended 4-1. We even scored. †нє push on Pep by CRo was childish. He got lost in a big game again. †нє elbow by Ol’ Lady Ricky on Messi was cynical. And †нє final tackle by Ramos was atrocious. I spent all my time tweeting everything that was happening in Nou Camp, I got into TwitJail for my troubles. But there were two tweets that were very memorable
RT @Obitwyce: “When you give success to stupid people, it makes them more stupid, not intelligent”
RT @dkingpin: “Watching Barca as a gooner is likw watching your ex-girlfriend in a adult movie. You love it but there’s a nagging jealous feeling”

Fuck Moaninho and his thugs…
This is an Arsenal Blog by †нє way.

In my first blog, I said “When Emmanuel “Farma” Eboue landed awkwardly in Estadio AXA, I asked my friends a simple question,”How many weeks”. Colin Lewin and †нє rest of †нє physios say that a medial knee ligament strain lasts for at least 4-5 weeks. Let’s wish our Farma a speedy recovery because we are a bit short in that position”. I’m swallowing those words right now.

Our Farma is going to play WigWig today after being diagnosed with a medial knee ligament damage. How he miraculously recovered, I don’t know but its good to see him back in †нє mix.
I could do with some dives against WigWig.

LeBoss says that Wal Cunt, Wald Bezt and GlassBoned vP will be in action today leaving our Carling Spoon president, Aztec Warrior in †нє bench. Squisha is out with a knee problem so Injourou will come in for him.

†нє likely lineUp will be

Ogo Gibbsy-Injourou-Kos100%tackle-Farma
Banana Lomo
Wal Cunt-GlassBoned vP-Wald Bezt

LeBoss said that he’s going to make Emirates Stadium a fortress. He should start with WigWig. I wouldn’t mind another 4-0 victory.

WigWig knocked us out of †нє Carling Spoon in 2006. What made it more embarrassing is that Igwe played that game. They lost to †нє Red Hell Owners in †нє final. We lost to Barca in our own final.

Thank goodness November is over.

Good luck to AquaNama as he got 30 minutes under his belt for Nottingham.

My in-law’s call to bar is today.

I might miss †нє Carling Spoon encounter.

Here’s to a good Arsenal performance.


Pride restored, Emirates revival, Mourinho talks back and †нє FA Cup draw

†нє harmattan is building up slowly in Abuja, at least I’m well prepared.

†нє FA Cup draw was made by…..†нє FA.

†нє Cashlings got Roy Keano’s Tractor Army. †нє Red Hell Owners got a home tie against Count Hodgson’s Vampires while †нє Cash Money Oil Money Billionaires are away to †нє Foxhounds of Leicester.
We got a home tie with Leeds United. I’ve got real beef with Leeds because they contributed to us losing †нє title in †нє 2002/03 season. Then they had household names like Kewell, Smith, and english blooper Paul Robinson. But things have changed now. They are a championship outfit which makes †нє contest sweeter. †нє Gunners however must avoid complacency because Leeds beat †нє Red Hell Owners in Old Strafford last season. †нє game will be played on †нє 7th or 8th of January.

Arsene Wenger has vowed to make Emirates Stadium a fortress again. Since its inauguration in 2006, †нє Emirates Stadium was as dreaded as Stamford Bridge and Old Strafford but this season, things have changed drastically. †нє only convincing victories in †нє league were achieved against †нє club whose nickname is some fruit (6-0) and MadMan Coyle’s Nomads (4-1). Credit to MadMan Coyle for his Nomads resurgence. They are currently in †нє pole position for †нє Europa League. There were also unconvincing victories, †нє Gentle Frog’s Carpenters (1-0) and McAlbino’s Blues (2-1). Recently, there have been no victories or even draws. Our Fortress has been converted to a happy hunting ground. WBA gave us †нє eye opener (2-3), Edge became a star when †нє Cartoons beat us (0-1) and of course Twitch FC (2-3). †нє next team to meet us in †нє Emirates Stadium is †нє Okro Soup Masters, Fulham. Wenger please don’t fall our hand again.

Still saying with Wenger, Jose Mourinho has hit back on LeBoss for calling his team “disgraceful”. Jose would have searched for something new to say but he dediced to stick to †нє #dead cliche of how Arsenal hasn’t won a trophy for 5 years *yawns*. He also said that Wenger should explain to †нє fans how he lost to Braga. This is a manager won 2 league titles for †нє Cashlings but when things got real hot for him and he was sacked. His replacement, †нє Gentle Frog lost his first game to †нє Red Hell Owners but still to †нє premier league to †нє wire and got to †нє final of †нє Champions League, a feat Mr. Jose didn’t achieve in Cashlings FC. I pray Messi and co. rapes his squad tonight. I wouldn’t mind another 6-2 mauling.

In other news, Our third choice…….fourth choice goalie, Vittorio wants to extend his stay with †нє Tigers. Good luck to him as he plys his trade in †нє Npower Championship. I will go berserk if he makes his loan move permanent because that’s a goalie that saved our ass for 9 games when Stainless Steel and Flyin Fabbi were out injured. Its well noted that Arsenal FC did not lose a game while Vittorio was in between †нє sticks. His rating against †нє Okro Soup Masters in Craven Cottage earned him a 10.0 FM rating.

Swansea want our Beautiful Aztec Warrior on loan. I would have preferred him going to †нє Nomads on loan, see what happened to our Whizkhid. He’s not getting as much playing time as he wants here so he should go to †нє Championship and chip all †нє goalies there. Trust me he could do that with every one-on-one he gets.

There’s also an emerging tale that our ever faithful Spectacles Patty Patty might retire from his position as Assistant Manager at †нє end of †нє season. He does that a lot in Football Manager. This man is a living legend in Arsenal. His blood is Arsenal. He was born in 49′, joined †нє club as a trainee in 64′ (15 years) and played till 80′. He notched up 397 appearances and scored 12 goals, 10 more than Mikel (LSC) Obi. From 84′ to 96′, he was a youth coach. He has been Wenger’s right hand Man for 14 good years. If we don’t play a testimonial match and throw a mega retirement party for him, I will………

More on †нє Carling Spoon tomorrow.

Enjoy El Classico, wherever you’re watching it.

Here’s to a Lionel Messi hattrick and Sergio Ramos own goal.


Villans 2 Arsenal 4: Triumphant Heroes topped…..for 2 hrs at least!

I said that it was time for Arsenal Football Club to step up after two disappointing defeats and †нє club duly delivered.

It was a classic Arsenal game. Like Tottenham’s game last week, †нє first half was a masterclass. †нє second…..”Prick standing” and High Blood Pressure moments.

Prior to kickoff, there were only 3 teams with an unscathed home record…†нє Red Hell Owners, †нє Red Striped Black Pussies and †нє Villans.

†нє Newcastle Injury Syndrome of seasons past has invaded †нє Villans this season. †нє latest casualties where Gabby †нє Quick Bike Man and †нє young cunt that scored †нє second goal against †нє Red Hell Owners so there was a place for Arsenal’s living legend, Le Bob in †нє starting lineup.

†нє first half was a thing of beauty. Arsenal pressed and probed. They would have been rewarded after 30 seconds. If Hotty Pancake’s through pass arrived at ChiAmaka’s feet, it would have been a different outcome. You can forgive Hotty Pancake for that messed-up pass because he put in his best performance this season. Captain for †нє day, Banana Lomo had a chance to score but it was as weak as a simple backpass. I tend to wonder where he dropped his shooting boots. Credit will still go to him because he has compensated for his non-scoring with consistent performances.
He, Hotty Pancake and El-Rufai were ubiquitous in Villa Park.

†нє deadlock was broken by Hotty Pancake in †нє 38th minute. It was a well deserved goal. While doing a solo run from †нє left, he cut in and fired a shot through †нє legs of a defender to †нє bottom corner. I thought that Brad “His Lordship Akpo” Friedel would catch †нє ball.

†нє 2nd goal can be described with 1 simple word, TECHNIQUE. El-Rufai’s confidence is sky-high right now and he even has 9 goals to his name. When Hotty Pancake crossed †нє corner kick, El-Rufai’s eyes were fixed on †нє ball and he had only one thing in mind, a first time shot. It was exquisite! †нє best part was that he hit †нє ball on †нє ground! That was a goal Dennis Bergkamp would have been proud of.

As Mark Clattenburg blew his whistle for halftime, I grabbed my remote and changed †нє channel to MTV Base. You can never guess †нє song that was being played. Beyonce ft. Jay-Z – DE JA VU

When †нє 2nd half began, Le Bob was removed for a yoruba england wannabe and †нє below par villans entered Gordon Spark mode.

In †нє 51st minute, a young cunt that was playing because of injuries to senior players scored our flyin Fabbi. †нє goal pissed me off for three good reasons. 1. †нє world’s best left footed Chimpanzee scored us in †нє 50th minute. 2. A player weighing as much as 2 bags of rice was intentionally blocking flyin Fabbi. He was offside but †нє goal stood. 3. Flash was supposed to close †нє young cunt down.
We were 3 up when Banana Lomo sent ChiAmaka through. That was a nice toe poked goal from a player that cost us……nothing. That was his 10th goal in 21 appearances. Superb.
†нє young cunt scored again but ChiAmaka’s persistence brought Whizkhid’s first and Arsenal’s clincher.
There was no need for Glassboned vP, Wal Cunt and Wald Bezt.

Flyin Fabbi (6.9) was solid enough, †нє first goal wasn’t his fault. Flash (6.5) did okay generally, his interceptions were crucial. Timaya (7.3) played extremely well, his cross for ChiAmaka was a peach. Squisha (6.7) didn’t have much to do but his experience shone through. Kos100%tackle (6.7) anticipated well, got a broken nose and a nameless jersey for his troubles. Sabinus (6.7) decided to be a holding midfielder today. Whizkhid (7.5) played like a mature old man, popped into †нє box and settled our nerves with his first league goal. Hotty Pancake (8.5) gave us his best performance so far, he was ubiquitous, got a goal and gave El-Rufai an assist. El-Rufai’s (8.0) goal was †нє W in world class. Banana Lomo (8.0) led by example with a spirited performance, gave an assist to ChiAmaka. ChiAmaka (8.3) continued to work hard for †нє team, deserved his goal and gave an assist. Ogo Gibbsy and NwaSamba didn’t play long enough to get ratings.

So we’re still at 3rd place but we are now level on points with †нє Cashlings. November sucked for London’s biggest club. Let’s thank Edge for scoring †нє opener for #teamAkpo even if †нє goal was a porn movie acted by PowerHorse Alex. †нє Red Hell Owners ran riot against †нє Rugby Boys on White and Blue. Their Bulgazilian striker, Berbatinho scored a brace and a hattrick. That guy can trap a ball that was sent from orbit.

Well peepz, that’s a wrap.

†нє sun in Abuja reminds me of Owerri.

Let’s hope Tottenham would lead Liverpool by 2 goals in first half, then lose 3-2.

Payback’s a big ass Bitch!

Happy Sunday

†нє Villians vs †нє Heroes – Full Match Preview

Remember remember †нє month of

Unfortunately, November would be remembered for just being November – Arsenal bogey month

It started when our old boy Eduardo “Dudu Composure” Da Silva scored †нє winning goal in Eastern Europe, followed by Flyin Fabbi’s lapse in concentration which made some english bloke that looks like WWE’s Edge a star for †нє week at least. Two hard fought away wins came on †нє bounce earning an Arsenal player a change of nickname from “Flappy Handski” to “Flyin Fabbi”. That’s what I call him here, don’t know about you. A week after that I watched †нє North London Derby which left me with a very sour taste on my mouth. Instead of witnessing a midweek redemption match, I saw †нє Wenger boys concede two good goals from 99 Matheus. 80% blame would go to †нє squad, †нє remaining 20% must go a Hungarian referee that shares †нє same pronunciation with Afghanistan’s president. I don’t know if he felt our players were American Troops but with a victory against †нє groups whooping boys, Partizan, qualification is certain. We can even top †нє group if 99 Matheus uses his left foot in Eastern Europe.

if †нє heroes on red (or yellow and redcurrant) win †нє villians today, it won’t just be †нє satisfying end to a month long movie, it would send Arsenal to pole position in †нє Premier League, putting immense pressure on †нє Former Cashlings who are away to WWE’s Edge’s Cartoons and Red Hell Owners, who host †нє Rugby boys on White and Blue. †нє Former Cashlings’ haven’t scored an away goal for quite some time now but I don’t see them throwing this away. Let us hope that Edge has something up his sleeve. †нє Red Hell Owners on †нє other hand have †нє world’s highest earner, RooThug, back. That might scare †нє Rugby boys on White and Blue but if Morten Gamst “Mini Delap” Pedersen starts swinging them set pieces in….you may never know. Let’s not forget that he’s a Mini Delap.

I made some comments about †нє starting lineup in yesterday’s blog so I won’t go into full details again on that. All I can say is that we’ll stick to our 4-2-3-1 formation.

†нє assumed lineup would be

Flyin Fabbi
Flash – Kos100%Tackle – Squisha – Timaya
Sabinus – Whizkhid
Hotty Pancake – El Rufai – Banana Lomo

If you read yesterday’s blog, you’ll probably know all †нє nicknames of †нє players in †нє Arsenal squad. If you don’t, it’s just a click away.

Those fools that say that El Capitan should be stripped off his captaincy after 2 good years of service should go and boil beans.

Facts say that we are third, critics say that we are “ill-equipped” to win †нє title.

Let’s prove them wrong.
That’s something we are very good at.

Gerard Houllier’s men are 13th in league, they have †нє 4th best home form, they have won just once in their last eight games and they possess †нє worst record in †нє Premier League against teams in †нє Top Four…..who I’m I kidding…..teams in †нє TOP HALF of †нє table.

Enjoy †нє match wherever you’re watching it.

Like my good friend Tobenna “Morris Wenga” Opara said….

“Here’s to a Robert Pires own-goal”

Visit to Villa Park – Time to Step Up

This is the first of many posts that will be written in this blog.

Arsenal head to Villa Park on the end of two demoralising defeats so its high time we set things right. We have †нє best away foem in the league so let’s at least live up to that tag. More on †нє match preview as you read on!

Taking a look at †нє busy injury list, new members have joined †нє class of Colin Lewin, Neal Reynolds, Jon Cooke and †нє rest of †нє club physiotherapists.

Club Talisman and captain, Francesc Fabregas Soler has tweaked his hamstring and he’s expected to be out for two weeks. †нє scary thing is that †нє hamstring injury is in his other leg not †нє “regular” one. We have a trip to Old Trafford on †нє 13th so El Capitan’s presence would be highly needed. Arsene Wenger says that El Capitan won’t be rushed back to action but we all pray that he’s 110% fit because we know he gives 110% in every game he plays.
When Emmanuel “Farma” Eboue landed awkwardly in Estadio AXA, I asked my friends a simple question,”How many weeks”. Colin Lewin and †нє rest of †нє physios say that a medial knee ligament strains lasts for at least 4-5 weeks. Let’s wish our Farma a speedy recovery because we are a bit short in that position.
Thomas “Verminator” Vermaelen’s achilles tendon is a thing of “my nickname”…an Enigma. I don’t understand how a 3-day injury will turn out to a 3-month injury. If Achilles’ mother in Ancient Greece, grabbed his head and dipped him into †нє Styx River, we won’t be having mysterious injuries like this. His deputies have done okay in his absense but that leadership and coordination has been missing in our defence.
Manuel “Stainless Steel Baba” Almunia’s elbow has been resurrected by Dr. Frankenstein and Igor but I expect him to settle for a place in †нє bench thereby sending Wojciech “Szszszszszsz” Szszceny to go back home to his Ps3, Football Manager 2011 or his girlfriend.
Gael “Flash” Clichy had a back strain that kept him out of †нє meeting with SC Braga but he’ll be fit for †нє trip to Villa Park
Andrei “Hotty Pancake” Arshavin and Robin “Glass-Boned vicePresident” van Persie were rested.

Arsenal CANNOT afford to drop points again. †нє Former Cashlings and †нє Red Hell Owners have been very generous to them. Even after losing 4 of their first 14 games, we are only 2 points below and will go to †нє summit of †нє league for two hours at least. That was suppose to be †нє feat last week, I’m not a fan of deja vu and I hope we don’t activate our Arsenal Self Destruct button tomorrow.
If we won Twitch FC, WBA and †нє Cartoons we would have been 7 points adrift. That’s why I said “IF”

Aston Villa are a side that are consistent in inconsistency but on their day they can be a difficult side to go against. †нє Red Hell Owners can attest to that. They are a very physical side, they have a lot of pace and †нєy have wingers and fullbacks that can cross †нє ball very well. Flash and Bacary “Timaya” Sagna will have to come to †нє party well prepared

For †нє lineup, I’m not Le Boss but with my Football Manager experience and in-depth Arsenal Football Club knowledge, I’ll expect Lukasz “Flyin Fabbi” Fabianski to retain his place in goal. †нє two great goals he conceded from 99 Matheus’ left boot were not his fault. Kieran “Ogo Gibbsy” Gibbs did well against Braga but I’ll fancy Flash for a game of this calibre. Ogo Gibbsy can have fun with †нє kids of †нє Carling Spoon. Timaya is all we have in †нє RB position. Johann “Injurou” Djourou had a FM rating of 6.5 but Laurent “Kos100%tackle” Koscielny and Sebastien “Squisha” Squillaci would get †нє nod. Besides they’re french and PDP is †нє ruling party as Le Boss is french. †нє holding midfield roles would go to Alexandre “Sabinus” Song and Jack “Wizkhid” Wishere. Samir “El Rufai” Nasri would take over †нє El Capitan Creativity role. †нє attacking trio might be Hotty Pancake, Tomas “Banana Lomo” Rosicky and Marouane “ChiAmaka” Chamakh.
Glass-Boned vP and Nicklas “Wald Bezt” Bendtner will have to chill in †нє bench for an hour…at least.

Good luck to Aaron “AquaNama” Ramsey for his loan move to Nottingham Forest as he begins †нє long road to full match fitness. See you in January AquaNama.

I use nicknames for all †нє players and some clubs, so you’ll have to get used to it.
That’s what make me unique.

You can follow on twitter @pumpumphat
Facebook id: Toni Okike

This is just †нє first..let’s make it a success.

To Arsenal….


Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 8,413 other followers