A Gooner’s Perspective – Episode 2
After a long day at work, I decided to take some time out to meet with five great Gooners that were about to share their opinions on the club they hold close to their hearts. Like the way we handle our transfer business in Arsenal, the venue of our meeting was undisclosed.
Meetings like this go hand in hand with doses of alcohol and I stationed five bottles of Alomo Bitters for these Gooners. We went on a real drinking spree with Jack Daniels, Andre, Hennessey and more Alomo after the engagement though.
In the round meeting table where I felt like King Arthur of Camelot, these were my guest Arsenal knights:
@bolagunner: As Durella declared in his hit single that he’s a Gunners for life, Bola is a die hard fans because he has Arsenal DNA, is a proud Gooner and he’s in the Red and White Army. That’s too much for one Arsenal fan, don’t you think?
@nwakibie: If you visit Google.com and hit the words “simple but classic”, the odds of seeing Austin‘s pictures are as likely as seeing Robin van Persie score from a Theo Walcott or Alex Song assist. He’s also affectionately known as Mallam Ramsey in my Arsenal BlackBerry group, Team Gooner Daily.
@iamKayRobs: Like Mayor Martin, Kaine is a geologist that has a penchant for good music. He’s a rapper, singer, song writer, actor (not bafa) and he’s a Chelsenal fan. Like an American living in Paris, Kaine is a Chelsea fan that has a section of his heart reserved for Arsenal. You should listen to his hit tracks, Wind for Me and WuruWara. Fucking epic. I forgot to add that he’s related to Don Jazzy (not famzing!)
@davicky1: Victor is certainly my brother from an Abiriba mother. He’s a Gooner by heart that possesses intelligence levels comparable to Lionel Messi’s ability to get past players. He’s one of the pioneers of the Gooner Daily initiative and he’s also a Cuntinho, someone that lives off a main road.
This is how it went,
Martin: Wassup with these guys na?
Victor: Martin, it’s okay to hate
Enigma: hehehehee….Martin has someone ever told you that you look like Vybz Kartel? That’s before he had his bath with a combination of Hypo and Jik.
Austin: Hey guys.
Austin: Enigma, you’re good my brother. You’re a great Arsenal fan with a sublime sense of humor.
Enigma: Mallam Ramsey, thanks mehn. Please don’t make my head swell like the way Kabal does his fatality in Mortal Kombat Ultimate. Who played that video game on SEGA Mega Drive?
*sounds of crickets chirping and frogs croaking in the background*
Kaine: *removes Beats by Dre headphones from ears* Can we start now?
Enigma: Sure. You guys saw Bobby and his palm antics in Episode 1 yah? We are gonna follow the same route tonight but I’ll change the questions in Episode 3. In the next episode, we are gonna discuss about Robin van Persie.
Bola: No problem mate. Ready when you are.
Austin: I’m good to go Sir
Victor: Mkpwag, let’s go there
Martin: *checks pictures of Vybz Kartel on Google*…*sighs*
Enigma: What was your review of last season?
Bola: Arsenal finished the league strongly and in a good position, but they were very disappointing in Champions League and the FA cup .
Martin: A very strange season, that all started with an ill sorted summer transfer dealings to you’d 8-2 be an Arsenal fan, and ones you’d give a high 5-2 some girls ass to recall. There was also the San Siro massacre, amazing comebacks, RVP’s vintage performances, Little Mozart’s re-emergence and so much more.
Victor: Last season was simply phenomenal. Awful start, great end. However, I must express my gratitude to Manchester United for showing us how much we needed to spend money. Without them, we might have finished somewhere below Spuds.
Austin: Last season was termed as the season of reality. It was a season where we realized that nature abhors vacuum; if one star goes another star replaces it. Mind you every night as a kid you look up to the stars and make a wish not knowing that that star you are looking at is already dead and a new one has been born. So we should not waste precious time in replacing people because nobody is indispensable. Nasri, Clichy and Fabregas left and RVP replaced them.
Enigma: Guys, please there are bottles of Alomo Bitters in your front. Stop forming Voltron *sips Alomo*
Enigma: Always remember that Alomo keeps you going. My younger brother even confirmed it.
Martin: smh for you, Enigma.
Enigma: What were your defining moments last season and how did you feel after the 8-2 loss to Manchester United?
Kaine: Although I love Chelsea, when we beat Chelsea last season was a really defining moment for me because it made me believe that the dog had not lost its bite! It gave me hope! The Man Utd 8-2 spanking made me feel devastated.
Victor: The 8-2 whooping at Old Trafford gave the Boss something real big to think about. Shitting on Tottenham’s head was extremely vital to claim that 3rd place. Imagine pouring water into a bottom-less worn-out basket. We were simply atrocious in Old Trafford and I honestly ruled out Arsenal from even top 6.
Bola: My defining moments were the win against West Brom in the last day of the season, the win against Chelsea FC at Stamford Bridge and the win against AC Milan at the Emirates. On the Man Utd flogging, I was disappointed and devastated.
Martin: In the game against Sunderland, my joy knew no bounds after seeing Thierry Henry open his legs from an Arshavin pass in the dying period of the game. What a befitting way to wave his goodbyes to the fans. On your other question, it was an awful performance all round from the gunners, one I’d 8-2 remember.
Austin: It was the game against Chelsea and Tottenham; we played like a team and we never stopped fighting. We deserved and savoured those victories. On the Man Utd defeat, I laughed and laughed till my eyes were wet. I felt sorry for everybody on that pitch that day from Wojciech Szczesny to Arsene Wenger. I even felt sorry for myself.
Enigma: Austin, Victor and Kaine, imagine if we were still in FUTO when Man Utd knacked us akpako like that? I wouldn’t have gone to class that Monday…even if I had a test sef. Thank God that Chemical Engineering department doesn’t give tests, even heard that Dr. Nwakaudu is the new HOD. *gulps*
Enigma: What’s your take on our mysterious injuries, poor form in January and that tactical error by Wenger when he removed the Ox for Andrey Arshavin?
Bola: Injuries are part of football and we can only hope for big squad to deal with it. Despite the poor form in January, we eventually bounced back, that is football for you. On the substitution, the Ox was struggling and AW had to take him off. Wenger knows best.
Enigma: AKB in the building *pings Bobby*
Kaine: Arsenal’s injuries bother me a lot. The injuries seem to come at a time when we really need to be in top form. Might I also suggest that we should get players with a low injury rate?
Austin: Low injury rate keh? Is it in the player’s user manual ni?
Enigma: Austin, don’t mind Kaine, it’s the Chelsea in him. In his club, there are rigid mechanical footballers that have user manuals na. Branislav Ivanovic, Clarence Seedorf and iamOGB have one thing in common though… #sub
Martin: Enigi, why evils?
Victor: To make it to the top, we need a large squad. Injuries must come so we gotta be ready them. I really wonder what would have become of Arsenal last season had RVP gotten injured. I can’t forget the Fulham match. I remember how I punched the hard floor. I still got that scar till date. Abysmal January form
Enigma: Victor, what about that infamous substitution?
Victor: I was like “seriously, what’s going on in ur head, u dumb fuck”, but as a member of team AKB, I kept my cool. How do you remove one of the best players on the field for a nigga that has been finding it awfully difficult to run with his arse? One word “Mshtewwww”
Austin: Enigma, now it’s two AKBs in the building.
Enigma: Mallam Ramsey, I can’t shout. What about you Sir? What’s your take on our injuries, poor January form and that substitution?
Austin: We have too many glass boned players and it has really affected us but I am positive that we have learnt our lessons. I hear we are developing a medical centre that will attract specialist to help solve cases like Diaby’s and recently Wishere’s. The poor January form was expected. If you follow Arsenal long enough you will know we have had such periods over the last few seasons.
Austin: I went ballistic when I saw the fourth official raise that board; Men and pride. My coach is a proud man and I understood his post-match comments. He made a mistake, I know it’s not easy to admit but he regrets that decision.
Martin: Personally, I think we need a little tweaking in the medical departments, that not to say they got it all wrong during the course of the season, RVP being fit is one of their greatest achievement. I do feel Jack’s injury was not properly managed, with his always unrealistic come back dates, and some niggling injuries here and there.
Enigma: Our injury problems though… *gulps Alomo*
Martin: January highlighted our lack of quality back up and our over reliance on RVP for goals. We were even outpassed and outpaced by Swansea. On that substitution…in one word, useless.
Enigma: How did our Gunners fare in Euro 2012?
Victor: NB52 had an awesome outing. AA, Rosicky and Walcott were great too. Kos did his bit. It felt like RVP wasn’t just in the right team. The rest were average.
Austin: I was not really impressed. Van Persie is a magician but he needs his other stage men to be aware of his theatrics. Bendtner was the same… not hot, not cold; just doing his normal thing not worried of anything. Arshavin likes to be the focal person and Russia offered him that chance which he took. Rozza was tired but you could see he was the leader in Czech; without him they collapsed. Ox and Theo did what was expected of them by the English fans. Giroud never got a good chance to shine but I hear he has dimensions to offer. Podolski was average. Koscielny, I wished I saw him more. Szczesny like everybody is saying needs to keep his head down; I think he took steps towards that buy signing out of twitter but he still has work to do.
Enigma: Austin, did I vex you? I asked you a simple question and you’ve turned it into a Sermon on the Mount!
Bola: It was poor outing and campaign for all Gunner’s representative except Bendtner.
Enigma: Bola answers me with a single sentence, halleluyah somebory!
Austin: hahaha….Amen oh!
Martin: brb….I sent a picture to the printer.
Enigma: Ogbeni, you haven’t answered my question on Euro 2012.
Martin: I didn’t really watch the Euros that much, but apart from Bendtner lighting it up for Denmark, I don’t think any other player did too well.
Austin: You didn’t really watch the Euros but knew that Bendtner was lighting it up for Denmark. All hail SuperSport Blitz Channel 200.
*Martin steps out*
Kaine: I would very much like to praise Theo Walcott and Koscielny. They did pretty well.
Enigma: *checks Alomo bottle….fucking empty*
Enigma: What do you think about our new signings, who do you want to come in and who should leave the club? Austin, please no post-graduate lectures *kneels down*
Austin: Hehehe…..ok sir
Austin: I can’t wait to see them. I am positive that we have signed experienced and talented individual who will not bulk under pressure. Let the pre-season begin. I would like to see Jovetic, any sitting DM, and experienced goalkeeper and maybe an AM if we are not sure of Diaby and Wishere’s availability
Kaine: I must say that I’m really impressed with our signings and I’m quite positive that we’ll have better performances this season. I would love to see Lionel Messi come in. I know its wishful thinking but hey, you can’t stop a guy from hoping.
Victor: *holds laughter*
Enigma: Lionel gini? Hahahaahahahahahahaah *falls off chair*
Victor: We’ve been craving for Podolski, it’s good to finally have him. I dunno much about Giroud buh he seems pretty ok. We just need to sign that someone that would have the jaws of other teams drop.
Bola: Like Lionel Messi bah?
*Martin returns with picture*
Enigma: Martin I told you that you look like Vybz Kartel. You’re not alone mate, Oliver de Coque looked like Rick Ross when he was alive, Salomon Kalou looks like Cabo Snoop, Roberto di Matteo’s dark side is Lord Voldemort, Petr Cech looks like James Blunt and Sami Khedira is Milan Baros’ long lost clone.
Enigma: Martin, when you left to bring a picture of your surrogate, I asked these Gunners a question on what they thought about our new signings. Who do you want to come in and who should leave the club?
Martin: Comparing Giroud to MC29 is unjust, I remember watching some of his goals for Montepellier, he scored quite a number with his feet, and he also takes set piece. Should he hit form, he could single handedly revolutionise Arsenal’s attack. Podolski rather poor showing at the Euros should be disregarded, one some die hard but non truth seeking Arsenal faithfuls call disciplined, a player with 14 goals and 4 assists in 19 games last season from the left, 100 plus international games for Germany; hmmm, did I hear u say huge, and he’s 26. To me, he’s a Gervinho without forehead, with composure, and a good shot.
Enigma: Cool story bro.
Enigma: What’s your take on our rivals and what are your expectations for the forthcoming season?
Bola: I’m optimistic the new boys will help us mount serious challenge next season. The two Manchester clubs and Chelsea will be very strong as usual. I don’t see any other club being a serious threat. I hope we win Premier League or be a runner up, FA Cup glory and reach at least Semi Final in champions league.
Kaine: Looking at the transfer market, you will see that every club especially Chelsea, Manchester United, Tottenham, etc are all leaving no stone unturned in their quest for silverware this season, so I think they would really be tougher than they’ve have been. I expect that they do better than they did last season.We fought from the dead to secure 3rd place and in more ways than one my love for the Gunners have grown.I expect nothing but the best from The Gunners.
Victor: The Manchester peeps are gonna be a very big force to reckon with. Chelsea would pose a threat buh I don’t think its anything we don’t have an anti-dote for. Liverpool and Spuds would remain beneath us. I expect Arsenal to give their oppositions games they don’t expect. Our game plan has often been rightly predicted with the oppositions having a successful formula to disarm us. We need Plan A, B, C… Z. These boys should shun complacency and remix the invincibles.
Martin: Manchester United, Sir Fergie’s the coach, he’s seen it all as far as EPL footie’s concerned, they have the PFA’s support, Referee’s support and all, they should be strong title contenders without doubt. Manchester City, with all the cash, defending champions of the EPL as well, would be united’s biggest challenger. As a die hard/ dreamer, we’ll win the EPL, as a realist, 3rd or 4th placed in the standings is the best I can think of, with some extra luck, we could win the FA Cup or Carling Cup, and the UCL. Chelsea did it as S**t as they were, why not us…
Austin: The first principle of war is never under-estimate your opponent. We respected our enemies but they showed no respect for us; that is why we stunned Totenham and Chelsea last season. We know Chelsea is spending more money and Manchester is not dulling either. I expect a first four finish and maybe a semi-final of a cup competition, I wouldn’t know which anyway. I have learnt to be wise and humble in my expectation but that will change soon. If we make any finals again then we will lift a trophy.
Enigma: Time to wrap it up folks, what do you think about Gooner Daily?
Bola: Gooner Daily is up there with the best, no contest. Thumbs up.
Kaine: Words cannot and will never be enough to express what I feel and think about Gooner Daily. I can only say that Gooner Daily will be known world wide sooner than we all think.I love Gooner Daily and forever will..
Enigma: We already global
Martin: Enigma, you’re a great guy and you’re as hard working as CR7. If I was a girl, I’ll let you have me and still pay you for doing me. You’re my man #NoHomo
Enigma: O_o *does sign of the Cross*
Victor: A day without Gooner Daily is like a sharwama without animal. Enigma has a way of giving it to you just the way you like it. #noHomo
Enigma: *coughs*…When a Yoruba man says #NoHomo, he means to say that there’s no detergent right?
Austin: Our Arsenal BlackBerry group, Team Gooner Daily is an explicit assembly of astutely trained and highly sophisticated intellectually knowledgeable homo-sapiens with extra-induced consequential sense of humour. Never in my wildest Astra plane calibrations and projections did I envisage such organized colony of people loving and supporting a club in a scattered multi-dimensional facet. I say solemnly if 5 people are chosen from Gooner Daily to make the Arsenal board; Arsenal will overflow with trophies.
Enigma: Bobby will be Alisher Usmanov…we won’t allow him in the Board. -__-
Enigma: Thanks guys, let’s go and drink to Arsenal. The greatest team in the world
Well, that’s how my evening went these crazy Arsenal fans. This was before we went to drink ourselves to another level in another undisclosed location in Lagos, Nigeria.
Episode 3 will be centred around Robin van Persie with guest appearances from Dr. Vokenacci, Kkizz, Antony 247 and Yeezi.
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