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Thoughts on Pep Guardiola’s Imminent Departure and Stoke Preview

Wenger to the Board and Guardiola in?

In a somewhat relatively dull start to the weekend, a piece of information rocked the football world like an earthquake with a high magnitude.

Despite enjoying a managerial career people could kill for, as well as managing a team that’s best regarded as the best football club in this generation, Barcelona’s Pep Guardiola has decided to call it quits at the end of the season, bringing an end to an glittering career that saw his team amass 13 from a possible 18 trophies making him the Catalans most successful manager.

His eulogy was very emotional to say the least, and the looks on the faces of the members of his team were priceless.

It sort of reminded me of the looks a little kid gets when the Ice Cream man comes around to say that the supplies are over. You certainly have the option of crying but shedding a tear or two wasn’t going to avert the decision.

As expected, the media vultures feasted on this news like vampires seeing a human after days of starvation without blood. The Guardian published a report revealing that the pressure of managing the club gradually ate away into his enjoyment.

However, other media Vultures believe that he resigned from Barcelona for a fresh challenge and he’s hugely tipped to make a move to the Premier League, with his potential destination being Arsenal. When the club was going through a rough patch of form that saw the Gunners lose to AC Milan as well as Sunderland in the FA Cup, the Daily Mail reported that he was ready to replace Arsene Wenger at the helm of affairs of the club.

Wenger was under intense pressure at that point in the season but he steadied the ship and sailed to a new direction on course to that treasure island called the Third Place. Arsenal’s supremo has stated that he’s surprised to see Guardiola leave his coveted position.

Wenger questioned the timing of the announcement as it came in the wake of the club’s Champions League exit in the hands of Chelsea. Barcelona did everything right and played their attractive football over the course of two legs but Chelsea proved that they were certainly no pushovers, no contest is pre-determined and no side is unbeatable.

Speaking of timing, we all know how FC Cologne has handled the Lukas Podolski saga, they’ve stalled in announcing his imminent departure because of the potential backlash it was going to cause among the fans but they had to wait till the Spring to make the announcement anyway.

Wenger also spoke about Barcelona’s philosophy and the stress levels of the job. The Catalan giants have had this “philosophy” they’ve employed in the yesteryear which involves honing more aliens from their La Masia Mutant Academy as well as delivering the best type of football which resonates around ball possession when on the ball and heavy pressing off the ball.

This season, Barcelona unleashed more aliens to the football world in the form of Isaac Cuenca and Tello to a squad that Arsenal has the likes of Lionel Messi, Andres Iniesta, Xavi Hernandez and Cesc Fabregas.

Some Gooners want to see Arsene Wenger pushed up to the Board, leaving the manager’s position vacant and they also believe that Guardiola can be the man to stop Arsenal’s Black Widow spider to exit from the Emirates Stadium trophy cabinet after seven years of spinning webs in the cozy piece of furniture.

I’m not an Arsene Knows Best (AKB) but there’s no point jumping into the Guardiola bandwagon. Arsene Wenger has proved countless times what his vision, principles and continuity has done for the club but he’s currently going to a barren spell that has been heavily contributed by injuries, suspensions, poor officiating against team, bad luck and of course, his tactical errors from time to time.

If Guardiola can leave a trophy-laden club like Barcelona after just four years, do you think that Arsenal will be any different after he wins another six trophies in his first season in charge with the Gunners? He’ll probably say that he’s tired of England’s weather and taxing system, declaring that he wants to manage George Jetson FC, the latest club from Outer Space.

For those that don’t know, there’s a new planet in our Solar System, Planet Ramos.

Planet Ramos


Arsenal is sitting pretty in third place but a series of poor results can change the outlook of things in the run-in for Champions League qualification. The Gunners face a stern test away to Stoke, a ground that hasn’t given them much joy in recent times.

The Gunners’ form has considerably dropped, from the never ending series of victories to just two wins in the last five outings. The goals have also dried up for hitman Robin van Persie, that has managed one goal in his last seven games. With Manchester United’s Shrek breathing down on his neck, it’s high time RVP get a goal or two to help him and his team’s cause.

His goals will propel him to the Golden Boot while they’ll also play a part in his club’s bid for third place. It’s also worth noting that van Persie has scored 27 league goals while Stoke as a team has amassed 31. Four of the last five meetings been Arsenal and Stoke has surprisingly ended in a 3-1 scoreline.

Arsenal has also conceded just five headed goals in the league, which is the joint-fewest in the top flight. However, Arsene Wenger has stated that his team is better equipped for this match. Vermaelen has said that his Guns are ready for the battle of the Brittania.

To team news, the absentees (Walcott (hamstring), Arteta (ankle), Mertesacker (ankle), Wilshere (ankle) Frimpong (knee)) are still nursing their injuries but the Arteta jinx has to end pretty soon. Arsenal hasn’t won any game he didn’t play and victories are paramount to secure third place.

I expect Wojciech Szczesny to continue in goal with the regular back four of Quickie Gibbsy, the Verminator, Bosscielny and Bac the Man. Yossi Benayoun returns in midfield while Tomas Rosicky has recovered from a sickness; I’ll expect Alex Song, Little Mozart and probably Aaron Ramsey to get the heads up in midfield.

This ground won’t bring fond memories for the Welsh captain but I believe that he’ll put his head down and give his usual 110% even though his ability still remains questionable. In this corresponding fixture at the Emirates, he supplied a delicate chip over the defense to Le Forehead, which was dispatched perfectly by the Ivorian.

At that point in time, the fans adored Ramsey and sang his songs only to wish him injuries or even worse in the turn of the new year. Please, get off his back.

The attack will be without Theo Walcott, so I expect Le Forehead to be drafted back into the squad to play in the forward line with the Ox and van Persie.

Enjoy the game wherever you are.

I won’t watch the match though, I’m gonna be with utunu and the Cousins of Ciroc.


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Games that cost Arsenal dearly in the 2010/11 season

Arsenal Football Club ended the 2010/11 Barclay’s Premier League in fourth place despite challenging Manchester United for the right to crowned as champions but they fell by the road side at the business end of the season. Some many factors contributed to Arsenal’s Premier League demise which ranged from the forwards’ profligacy to incompetent refereeing.

Arsenal had a very different approach in the Cup competitions. The club had a successful run in the Carling Cup but the Gunners crashed in the final hurdle. Most gooners believed that Arsenal’s Carling Cup glory would have fueled the club for greater success but it was the exact opposite. Arsenal lost the game in the 89th minute thanks to a horrendous error caused by Laurent Koscielny and Wojciech Szczesny. Arsenal had one of the easiest FA Cup run-outs in recent years but they failed in their first big test when they visited Old Trafford.

The Champions League draws offered Arsenal the chance to top a group that had Shakhtar Donetsk, SC Braga and Partizan Belgrade but with the group looking relatively easy on paper, Arsenal somehow found themselves on the back foot after back to back losses to Shakhtar and Braga. There was even a point in time when Arsenal was in a very precarious situation with Europa League football being a possibility if they didn’t secure a win against Partizan and Braga won Shakhtar. The Gunners won the final game of the group but they braced themselves for a clash with the emperors of modern day football, FC Barcelona.

Arsenal shocked the World with a historic 2-1 win against Barcelona at the Emirates but they also entered the football history books when they visited the Nou Camp to be the first side to lose a game in the Champions League knockout phase without a single shot on goal.


Here’s my take of the games that cost Arsenal dearly last season from August 2010 to May 2011.

Arsenal 2 West Brom 3 (25th September, 2010)

Arsenal hosted West Brom three days after getting their sweet revenge against Tottenham in the Carling Cup but Almunia picked up the wrong game to make his critics mouth water. He scythed down Peter Odemwingie in the box and injured his elbow in the process. He did well to save Chris Brunt’s penalty but he put a horror show in the second half that was worse than Resident Evil, Saw IV and Nightmare on Elm Street put together.

Almunia concedes the penalty

He was lost in transit when Odemwingie scored the match’s opener, his judgment let him down when a simple Gonzalo Jara shot went past him to the net and he was miles away from his goal when Jerome Thomas put the visitors 3 goals up with 20 minutes to spare. Samir Nasri did well to score a brace but it was not enough to salvage a draw for Arsenal. A football betting site in Nigeria called Nairabet gave West Brom the odds of 12.0 to win the game. I wonder how those gamblers that placed their bets on West Brom felt after the final whistle.

Shakhtar Donetsk 2 Arsenal 1 (2nd November, 2010)

Arsenal destroyed Shakhtar at the Emirates before playing them again a fortnight later but Arsenal’s loss at the Donbas Arena turned the tables on Group H.

Rosicky in action

Arsenal went off to a flyer when Theo Walcott dashed through the middle to score a goal that Arsenal legend Thierry Henry would have been proud of but Craig Eastmond decided to score his first Arsenal goal at the wrong end of the pitch though to level the game at 1-1. Clichy’s Self-Destruct chip got activated so Shakhtar’s captain Darijo Srna wasted no time in stealing the ball before gifting to Eduardo who placed the ball past Fabianski. As promised, Dudu Composure did not celebrate the goal.


Arsenal 2 Tottenham 3 (20th November, 2010)

Arsenal demolished Tottenham a month before this fixture but it will forever remembered for Arsenal’s capitulation in the second half after a scintillating first half performance. Samir Nasri squeezed the ball in from a very acute angle after rounding Heurelho Gomes. Marouane Chamakh reacted first from an Andrey Arshavin cross to put the Gunners 2 up but 3 goals from the World’s best left-footed Chimpanzee, Rafael van der Vaart and Younes Kaboul ensured that Tottenham’s grueling 68-match unbeaten streak against a Top Four side came to an end. They didn’t pick any better ground to end the record; the home of the old enemy.

The World

SC Braga 2 Arsenal 0 (23rd November, 2010)

In a match where Arsenal lost Cesc Fabregas and Emmanuel Eboue to injuries, the Braga side that was whitewashed at the Emirates turned on the style to defeat the Gunners thanks to a brace from Matheus. 

The result put Arsenal’s Champions League lives on the balance and Arsenal was also usurped by Shakhtar after their victory over Partizan.

Manchester United 1 Arsenal 0 (11th December, 2010)

Samir Nasri’s sheer brilliance against Fulham propelled Arsenal to the summit of the Premier League a week before the Gunners visited Old Trafford so the Gunners had a very simple yet daunting task ahead of them, to avoid defeat but Manchester United’s Korean Wong Fei-Hong’s header was enough to displace Arsenal from the top of the pile. Unfortunately, that was Arsenal’s last stint at the top of the Premier League.

Wong Fei-Hong

Newcastle 4 Arsenal 4 (5th February, 2011)

Arsenal, Liverpool and Chelsea have Premier League records that they refer to as their bragging rights. Chelsea is the team that has the least amount of goals conceded in a Premier League season while Arsenal is the only team that didn’t lose any match in an entire season. Liverpool’s 18-league title record was smashed to bits by Manchester United but when they visited the Molineux to play Wolves, they shared Arsenal’s bragging right at that moment. Wolves’ win against Manchester United meant that Arsenal had a chance to cut the gap at the top but Arsenal fed the neutral football lovers with an epic but Arsenal fans with feelings of utter frustration and despair.

Stupidity 101

A Walcott placed finish, Djourou header and van Persie put Arsenal in the driving seat at halftime but Abou Diaby’s silly red card early in the second half paved the way for an amazing comeback for Newcastle. Phil Dowd also had a hand in Newcastle’s comeback by awarding two soft spot kicks.

Arsenal 1 Birmingham 2 (27th February, 2011)

This is definitely one of the worst games I’ve witnessed as an Arsenal fan. We always have a knack for blaming the referees or other reasons when things go wrong but that game in Wembley was a lot different. Szczesny was lucky to be on the pitch early on after he hacked Bowyer in the box. Nikola Zigic opened the scoring for Birmingham but van Persie equalized for Arsenal and injured his knee in the process. Obafemi Martins scored the winner for Birmingham thanks to….

The perfect time to cry :(

Barcelona 3 Arsenal 1 (8th March, 2011)

After the Cup final loss to Birmingham, Arsenal went on a downward spiral that summed up their season with a series of lethargic and frustrating performances. Arsenal visited the Nou Camp on the back of a disappointing home draw against Sunderland that saw Szczesny produce a top drawer save from Welbeck’s shot. Wojciech Szczesny started the game in goal but a Dani Alves free kick ruptured the muscles in his finger thereby giving Almunia another chance to quell his personal demons. Almunia made a series of decent saves but the World’s best footballer scored a goal that only Lionel Messi could score by lifting the ball above Almunia before shooting into an unguarded net. That goal would have been avoided but Fabregas decided to be cheeky at the wrong end of the field and was duly punished for it. Sergi Busquets own goal frightened Barcelona a bit but the referee made a decision that demoralized Arsenal and gifted the game to Barcelona on a platter of Catalunyan gold.

Busacca: You wankhammer!

Xavi and Messi killed off the tie but van Persie’s red card took its toll because if he was at the end of Jack Wilshere’s superb pass at the death, Arsenal would have geared themselves up for a revenge mission with Shakhtar in the quarter finals but it was not to be thanks to the poor first touch of the self-acclaimed World’s best striker, Nicklas Bendtner.

Manchester United 2 Arsenal 0 (12th March, 2011)

Arsenal entered the New Year with hopes of winning the quadruple but the defeat against Birmingham and Barcelona made everybody hope for the league and cup double but a frustrating performance against Manchester United in the FA Cup quarter final meant that Arsenal had only the Premier League to fight for.

Mr. Consistency

Wenger made a tactical error by playing Kieran Gibbs ahead of a fit Gael Clichy and Arsenal paid for that switch because Evil Twin Fabio’s first goal came from Gibbs position. A Wayne Rooney header ended Arsenal’s hopes for FA Cup glory but the game was marred by Johan Djourou’s shoulder injury inflicted by his teammate Bacary Sagna.

West Brom 2 Arsenal 2 (19th March, 2011)

Arsenal’s fortnight of horror was complete with the defeat at Old Trafford a week earlier so every gooner expected the players wearing the Red and White to give everything left in them to win the Premier League because Manchester United were still in three competitions at that point in time but Almunia proved to Wenger and the rest of the World that he doesn’t to keep for Arsenal, Spain or England as he aspired at some point in his life. The first goal he conceded was very understandable because even the best keepers in the galaxy conceded goals form headers but the second goal conceded cannot be explained with simple words. I’ll explain it the way I did in my match review blog post for that game.

That awkward moment

“Mulumbu played a simple over the top ball for Odemwingie. Squillaci was with Odemwingie when the ball was played. For no reason explainable to man, Almunia ran out of his box to attack the same ball like a robot whose control chip became dysfunctional. Odemwingie controlled the ball and evaded Squillaci. Almunia then “pushed” Squillaci out of the way like he knew what he was doing. Like his fellow Nigerian Obafemi Martins in the Carling Spoon final, Odemwingie had the simplest of tasks by planting the ball into an unguarded net. Koscielny ran to anticipate the ball but his act was futile. A faster defender like Evra, Clichy or Micah Richards might have stood an outside chance of anticipating it.”

WBA 2 Arsenal 0, so much for my W-W-W-W-W form table.

The commentator said that, “Arsenal attack like Men and defend like Children”.

Arshavin and van Persie scored for Arsenal bought it wasn’t enough as two points went begging.

Arsenal 0 Blackburn 0 (2nd April, 2011)

In the build-up to the game against Blackburn, the media Vultures told the World that Arsenal had mathematical chance of winning the Premier League as long as they beat Manchester United and win their eight other games starting with a home tie against Blackburn. Jack Wilshere spurned the best chance of the game by missing at point blank range. That was one of the most lethargic performances I seen the Gunners play. Paul Robinson is renowned for being Arsenal’s goal scoring wife with over 60 goals conceded to the Gunners ranging from his days at Leeds, Tottenham and Blackburn but Robinson kept a clean sheet. That shows you how poor Arsenal was.


Arsenal 1 Liverpool 1 (16th April, 2011)

Arsenal were going into their most important week of the season with three must-win ties against Liverpool, Tottenham and Bolton but the Gunners produced games that prompted for some fans to ask for Wenger’s head on a plate. In a game against an under-strength Liverpool side that didn’t have the likes of Steven Gerrard, Daniel Agger, Glen Johnson and Joe Cole, Fabio Aurelio and Jamie Carragher suffered injuries in the same but Arsenal couldn’t find a way past them for 90 minutes.

Pantomine villain

In the 7th minute of extra time, Fabregas waltzed into the Liverpool and was tackled by some bloke leaving the ref no choice but to point to the spot. Robin van Persie converted the spot kick with the class he’s renowned for but Farmer Emmanuel Eboue picked the worst ever game for dive to the ground with an opposition player. For the first time in a very long while, Arsene Wenger was literally on his knees when Dirk Kuyt was about to take the penalty that was converted in the 101st minute of play. This game summed Arsenal’s disappointing season.

Tottenham 3 Arsenal 3 (20th April, 2011)

Rival matches are more or less the best games in the Premier League. Arsenal disgraced Tottenham in the Carling Cup in September. Tottenham returned the favor in the Premier League a month later. Tottenham and Arsenal clashed in White Hart Lane with a lot at stake. Tottenham had a taste of Champions League football last season that saw great European sides like Inter Milan, AC Milan and Real Madrid visit their home ground so they wanted to get that feeling again and a win against Arsenal would have helped their cause. Arsenal on the other hand was fighting for Premier League honors so anything less than a win would be labeled as a disappointment.


Walcott scored a goal early on but it was canceled by Rafael van der Vaart’s strike. Samir Nasri scored his first goal since the days Idi Amin ruled Uganda then van Persie smashed the roof of the net to put Arsenal 3 up against the old enemy put goals from Tom Huddlestone and Rafael van der Vaart ensured that both rivals where going to share the spoils of a fiercely contested battle.

Bolton 2 Arsenal 1 (23rd April, 2011)

Chelsea had usurped Arsenal to second place so a win against a Bolton side that was thrashed by Stoke Rugby Football Club was mandatory but the Gunners showed us why they have been trophy-less for the past five seasons by failing to stand up when they ought to be counted. Arsenal was undone by the oldest trick in the book; set pieces. Impressive loanee Daniel Sturridge was the quickest to react from a corner to give the lead to the home side. Kevin Davies missed the chance to give Bolton a comfortable lead with a penalty that was saved by Wojciech Szczesny. Robin van Persie equalized for Arsenal with a neat goal after a good one-two with Cesc Fabregas but Arsenal lost the tie at the death thanks to more poor defending from another set piece.


At the sound of the ref’s whistle, there were only two teams that eligible for Premier League glory, Manchester United and Chelsea.

Stoke 3 Arsenal 1 (4th May, 2011)

Arsenal visited the Britannia after restoring some pride with a victory against the eventual league winners but the match against Stoke had a lot of significance because it was the ground where Ramsey suffered that horrible tackle from Shawcross. Arsenal was expected to be fiery in that game but Jack Wilshere was the only player that showed that he had fire in his belly with clashes against Dean Whitehead and that John Legend’s clone, Jermaine Pennant. Stoke wasn’t that good in this game. Arsenal was really poor. Kenwyne Jones scored the match opener with his belly while Pennant’s shot was deflected in by Djourou. Van Persie did well to bring Arsenal back into the game but Djourou’s poor clearance gave Jon Walters the chance to smash Arsenal’s net for six yards and he wasted no time n doing that adding salt to Arsenal’s injury. Manchester City also emerged from the shadows to usurp Arsenal from third spot.

Arsene Wenger was in the touchline when all these games took place so he probably knows what he has to do to prevent this from happening next season. It’s evident that Arsenal needs a big guy like Samba to sure up the defense and help with those vital aerial interceptions with crosses swung into Arsenal’s box. I’ll keep you updated with the latest transfer news as the days go by.

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BarcAliens 3 Arsenal 1: Poor performance and referee’s incompetence closes the curtains on Arsenal’s continental ambitions

After one grueling month in the land of the scorching Sun known as Owerri, I’m back in the birthplace of Gooner Daily, Abuja.

The performance we put up against this alien outfit at the Emirates was second to none. The performance we put up at the Nou Camp yesterday was quite appalling.

The lineup that started yesterday was a lineup that was capable of getting a draw at least.

I opted for the deep blue sea called Denilson but AW the Alchemist preferred Diaby. I also thought that AA23 would have done enough to earn a starting place but AW the Alchemist chose TR7.

The surprise inclusion was star striker rVp. I thought he would come into the game as an impact sub but he was deemed fit to start.

Barca took the keys from start to finish.

Pedro was the first to draw first blood. His effort was blocked by Koscielny.

The man with the whistle was an absolute disgrace from start to finish. Koscielny received a soft yellow for his first tackle.

Szszsz has been our best goalie this season. His night was cut short by a shot from Saturn head Alves. The Brazilian bloke fired a routine free kick that came straight at Szczesny. Our goalie saved the shot but it seemed as if he dislocated his finger in the process. The commentator said that if he ruptured the tendon in his finger it meant that his season would come to abrupt end.

Just like Mad Jens in 2006, Almunia came in for Szczesny in the same rusty shape he was in 2006. After losing his place in September, Almunia had only featured in 3 games. They were all FA Cup outings.

Alves fell like a sack of potatoes when he was touched slightly by Clichy. This same bloke went in hard on Nasri but the ref did nothing.

Pedro curled a ball in but it went wide.

Nasri was blocked once again but the ref on white did nothing again.

Little Wizard Messi ran riot against us but he was stopped in the nick of time by Swiss wall Djourou.

David son of Villa was sent through but he was put under pressure by Djourou. His shot was quite weak so it was easy pickings for Almunia.

We were on the defensive for vast periods of time. Almunia received a simple back pass from Clichy. His proposed clearance hit Koscielny at the back of his head.

Alien left back Adriano hit the post with his cross. Wilshere then won the ball fair and square but Bussy the ref blew his whistle for a BarcAlien free kick. Little Wizard Messi hit the wall with the resulting free kick.

rVp won a fictitious corner but we didn’t capitalize on it.

Mascherano and Wilshere went for the ball and got stuck in. A bust up followed with humans and BarcAliens mixing up. Make shift center back Abidal grabbed rVp on his neck but Bussy overlooked it.

rVp tussled for the ball with Alves and pushed him in the process. Bussy brandished a yellow card to our flying Dutch man.

Messi linked up well with white zombie Iniesta but his shot was saved by Almunia.

When it seemed that we were going into the break with a goal less stalemate, we proved to be our own undoing.

Messi did his wizard thing on a host of Arsenal defenders and was blocked superbly by Clichy. Instead of adopting Jose Moaninho’s route 1 defensive approach, we wanted to pass our way out of the defense. We were successful enough to bring it out of our box but it fell to club captain El Capitan.

Instead of doing what he does best with the ball, Fabregas decided to give a cheeky back pass to Wilshere. The ball was intercepted by that short white zombie called Iniesta.

The through ball he gave Messi was like hot knife through butter. He doesn’t have a 20/20 rating for passing and creativity in Football Manager ™ 2011 for nothing.

Messi received the ball and was one-on-one with Almunia. As expected, Almunia rushed out to anticipate the ball. Messi is not a human. A friend of mine believes that he hatched from a ball…..let’s face it, he’s short enough.

There’s only one person that would have done what Lionel Messi did……Lionel Messi.

As Almunia charged on, the Wizard chipped the ball in the air while Almunia waltzed under it. He was then left with the simple task of firing the ball to an unguarded net.

That wouldn’t have happened to Szczesny.

The goal was scored in the 3rd extra minute of stoppage time.

At half time, I went into Twitter to get a few interesting tweets.

“@DasBaz: Arsenal have SO many bookings so far. I blame their kit. Its giving the ref ideas”

“@ladyarse: If anyone tries to tell me that our possession in this half is over 5% I will laugh”

“@Orbinho: HT Stats Barcelona v Arsenal Shots 8-0 On target 4-0 Fouls 4-10 Duels Won 57%-43% Passing accuracy 89%-70% Possession 75%-25%”

Imagine Arsenal FC, one of the most profligate sides in the World not having a shot on goal to miss. The possession percentage was embarrassing. We had just 25%.

The game plan changed in the second half. All we needed to do was to score a goal and resurrect our Champions League aspirations.

Nasri took the ball on the left and was closed down by 3 players. Not 1, not 2 but 3 short aliens.

The resulting corner was slotted into Barca’s net by make shift defender two….Sergi Busquets. At that point, impossible was nothing.

Villa had another chance to punish us but he squandered the chance.

The next event that happened was very questionable. rVp received a pass but was ruled offside by the linesman. Not being aware that he was offside, he lashed a shor wide. Victor V was going to get the ball.

As soon as rVp turned his face, he saw red. Unfuckinbelievable.

It took Mr. Bussy one fucking second to blow his whistle and brandish his second yellow to our striker. rVp was extremely perplexed and

That was the point I knew the game was lost. If Arsenal couldn’t hold a 4-goal lead after going a man down in St. James Park, how much more preserving a draw against the mighty Alien Barcelona.

Barca attacked us with everything they had to offer. Dani Alves killed a bird with their next attack. They sent in another cross from the right but Almunia showed some bravery to anticipate the ball.

Clichy received a ball from Almunia then lacked ideas what to do with it. After dallying with the ball, he had the time to do a Silvestre-like one-two with Messi but we weren’t punished for that.

Messi fed Villa again but the striker that I said was the C in clinical became the P in profligate.

After much pressure, the aliens leveled the tie on aggregate with a goal from midfield demigod Xavi. I wouldn’t bother myself explaining the goal. The bloody bottomline was that at that point it was Barca 2 Arsenal 1.

Minutes later, Xavi fed Pedro in the box. Up stepped Koscielny to stick out his little legs to award Barca a penalty. I tend to wonder why Koscielny gets on the end of events that lead to goals we concede. He has caused a lot of mistakes that lead to goals we conceded yet his concentration attribute rating in FM is 17/20. It’s now obvious that Vermaelen’s partner will be Djourou.

Speaking of Vermaelen, when is he going to come back? I’m getting tired of anticipating his comeback.

Messi’s penalty went to Almunia’s direction but our old goalie switched off.

So it was 3-1 to FC BarcAliens. The Champions League end was nigh.

AW the Alchemist brought on B52 for El Capitan. This was the 1st time I saw my captain extremely lost on the field of play. Some people were saying that El Capitan was cut in two Worlds. Bullocks, if you ask me.

Messi blew his chance to score a hattrick when he came up against Almunia.

Messi teed up Afellay but Djourou put him under enough pressure to blast wide.

Barca teased us with their play but the last kick was spurned by Afellay.

When the BarcAliens thought that the game was in the bag, Jack Wilshere stepped up to retrieve the ball and send a perfectly weighted through ball to Bendtner. The Dane’s first touch was putrid. rVp would have sent us to the quarters if our Whizkhid gave him that pass.

The stats after the game were very very embarrassing.

Barca had 19 attempts with 10 shots at goal, Arsenal had……….no fucking attempt or shot…. 0(0).

Barca also completed 724 passes with 84% accuracy while Arsenal completed 199 passes with 59% accuracy.

How depressing.

Almunia (7.0) conceded his 11th goal in 4 games against Barca but still kept the scoreline respectable. Clichy (6.3) didn’t do well against Alves. Sagna (6.5) wasn’t half bad. Djourou (6.8) defended admirably. Koscielny (5.8) conceded the penalty that sent us packing. Wilshere (7.0) was combative in midfield. Diaby (6.2) didn’t impress me. El Capitan (5.6) had no influence in the game. Nasri (6.3) didn’t do his Snood magic. TR7 (6.2) was tiring to watch. rVp (6.4) was unfortunate to be sent for an early bath thanks to the ref’s tomfoolery. AA23 (6.0) should have started. B52 (6.0) didn’t stand up when he was supposed to be counted.

After the game, rVp had this to say,”the ref was whistling at us the whole game, i dont know why he’s here, he was a joke”

The word joke is an understatement. Bussy was a ditwitted cretin. In regards to the red card he was a fucking ignoramus.

This tweet explains Bussy better

“@SwissRamble: Busacca is not universally respected in Switzerland. He was suspended for a few games a couple of years ago for giving the crowd the finger”

I’ll leave you all to @ChuksBass comment in my BlackBerry group Team Goonerdaily

“Lost 4 words.. Wat really happened yesterday is d fact dat we went der witout a game plan.. We didn’t even probe deir make-shift defence.. It was so make-shift dat dey conceded an own goal…”

Can’t write any more words


Arsenal visit the Nou Camp: Impossible is nothing

Apologies for not writing a post yesterday. I had loads of stuff that I had to attend to.

Arsenal will go to NASA to use their space shuttle for an intergalactic travel to the planet called Krypton. A planet has houses some footballing aliens.

The Nou Camp is a stadium that has floored the biggest of teams in World football.

Bayern Munich received 4, Real Madrid opened up their backsides to receive 5. Funnily enough, English sides have been impressive at the Nou Camp.

Guus Guus’ Cashlings played anti-football for 90 minutes earning a goalless draw. White zombie Iniesta’s late strike sent the Aliens to the final. That goal brought a big smile on my face because it meant that Arsenal could still win Europe’s elite competition before the Cashlings. Count Rafa’s Red Vampires also secured a famous win against the alien outfit. A porn act by Victor V was all recent hattrick hero Kuyt needed to slam the ball to the roof of the net. Liverpool ran out as 2-1 winners. Title rivals, Red Hell Owners also stopped the aliens from scoring in Krypton. CR7 even missed a penalty. St. Paulinus scored the only goal that decided the tie in the second leg at Old Strafford.

Speaking of Paul, my current BlackBerry display picture is a picture of Paul the Octopus standing on Arsenal’s glass box instead of Barca. You can see it by clicking on this link

We are the only English side that haven’t gotten any joy from our space shuttle visits to Krypton. Last season we went to the Nou Camp with our back bone missing. That little Wizard put up a 10/10 performance.

I will never forget the one-two he did with Silvestre. That old cuntbag that cost a 750 recharge card…that’s if you take out the other three zeros.

Today’s game will be a lot different. As El Capitan said a fortnight ago, we don’t have 5-6 players injured and we are 1 year older.

The aliens have been unforgiving at home this season. The only team that has come out with all 3 points was Hercules CF of Spain. Maybe the Spanish midtable side considered the aliens as their very own “Hydra”.

To team news, we head to Nou Camp without our African Blondie, Alex Song. He also missed the return fixture last season.

The better news is that our goal hungry vampire rVp has passed his fitness test and will be in the space shuttle that heads to Krypton this evening.

In as much as I’m happy that rVp is “fit” again. I sincerely hope that his services won’t be needed in the game. After crocking his glass knee in Wembley, he was diagnosed to be out for the period a hen sits on her eggs. rVp is “back” after 10 days. That’s 11 days before schedule.

The last time we tried to speed up a player before his appointed time in the Champions League ended up ruining the player’s season. Thierry “Igwe” Henry was rushed back into action against PSV in the 2006/07 season. He got injured again in that game and his season was officially over. That defender whose shots could be auditioned for a Power Horse advert scored an own goal and PSV’s winning goal.

I sincerely hope that rVp won’t join that league of season enders.

Wojciech Szczesny’s first true test was in Old Strafford on the 13th of December. He performed admirably. His second test came up in Wembley but his defender had a cock-up with him thereby handing the prize to the “enemy”. Tonight will be a true test for Szczesny. A clean sheet tonight will undoubtedly be the most important in his fledgling Arsenal career.

Clichy will also have the daunting task of stopping that Wizard from attacking through their right flank. The Wizard spent more time in the centre of the pitch while Saturn head Alves took over the mantle of being the right winger/wingback.

I have no problems with the Sagna /Pedro contest. I’m pretty sure that someone would be locked up in a “cage”. Djourcielny will have the threat of David son of Villa to contend with. That striker is the C in clinical so our centre backs will have their work cut out.

Wilshere is sure of his holding spot but everyone is guessing who his partner would be. Will AW the Alchemist opt for the passing passenger Denilson or the “loose nutted” Diabytes infested player.

On his day, Diaby can be a good player but when he wants to frustrate you with his play, you’ll be better off shooting your ass with a rifle or having yourself sleep on sharp concrete nails while deceiving yourself that it’s acupuncture. Denilson on the other hand does his passing thing but has poor awareness and positioning. Let’s not forget that he lacks concentration at times but if I’m left to pick between the Devil and the deep blue sea, I’ll dive with joy into the sea because I stand a chance of swimming a bit before the ER rescue team arrives. We all know that there’s only one way to meet the Devil… Denilson it is.

El Capitan missed out of this encounter last year was almost odds-on to miss this one again after he tweaked his hammy but it seems as if there’ll be only one man that will lead the Arsenal out tonight. I’m even tipping him to score that vital away goal for us today.

We all know who the usual suspects of the attacking triumvirate would be.

A much improved AA23 on the left, our own Frenchie wizard El Rufai Nasri Potter on the right and our technically gifted Wald Bezt striker B52. Our flying Dutchman will have to settle for a bench in the dugout.

My expected lineup should be

Denilson-El Capitan-Whizkhid

I just hope that my blog post tomorrow will be one of the types I’m reserving for May.

Arsenal Football Club

Impossible is Nothing.


The BarcAlien winning aftermath: The Gunners react

Thank God its Friday.

Time to rest, party, drink and do any other thing that you didn’t have the chance to do from Monday to Thursday.

This Friday is a lot different from other Fridays. I still find myself in euphoria even if the game was played 2 days ago. I’m pretty sure that I’m not the only gooner that feels this way.

Firstly, I’ll start with the “not so bad news”. Our Swiss brick wall Johan Djourou picked up a back injury so he won’t be “available” for our away FA tie with Leyton Orient on Sunday.

Our Usain Theo Bolt will face a “fitness” test for the game because it seems as if he tweaked his hammy in the tie against the BarcAliens. I believe that he’ll be fit to play the red striped Rugby outfit on Tuesday.

The BarcAliens have this “attitude” when it comes to footballing issues. The only person that seems “humble” enough is the demigod coach Pep. He tends to “play down” his team’s ability then do the exact opposite on the field of play. When he was interviewed in December with all questions directed to his draw against Arsenal, he told the media Vultures that he was scared of this tie.

It’s good to see that nightmares come true sometimes. In the horror flick “Nightmare on Elm street”, people dream of evil Freddy Krueger. We all knew what good ol’ Freddy did with his claws in that movie.

Unlike Pep, the BarcAlien playing is filled up arrogant loud mouthed dim witted dwarfy twats that made our summer holidays not as “sweet” as we wanted.

They wanted to woo El Capitan back to Krypton after AW the Alchemist had converted him into solid gold. The tallest BarcAlien put their scum clothing on him while they were celebrating their World Cup victory.

The midfield god Xavi is undoubtedly one of the best midfielders that have graced football. He has been in the game since the time when driving lessons where taken on dinosaurs. He was also part of that squad that won the World Cup.

He uttered loads of crap that would have overfed trolls when the name Fabregas was mentioned. We all know the “Barca DNA” cliche. The most annoying of them all was when he told the media Vultures that our captain is on “loan” to Arsenal. He even said that he was confident that El Capitan would become an Alien.

I guess the price tag we placed on our captain was like a big “scarecrow” for the BarcAlien birds.

He was present in the squad that were taught a footballing lesson in the Emirates Hot gates.

He says that the game between us and them wasn’t a “slip up”, it was just a “footballing accident”.

More mouth crap for the trolls and more manure for the Earth.

Their Saturn headed right back/winger said that he’s confident that they’ll overturn the deficit and qualify to the quarters.

I hope we invoke our road to Paris 06′ Champions League form and head to Wembley. The last time I checked, we have 3 scheduled visits to Wembley this season. One in February and 2 in May.

Enough about the Aliens.

Nicklas “Wald Bezt” Bendtner said that the BarcAliens looked tired during training before kickoff.

I believe Nick. Pep has used basically the same squad from day 1 till Wednesday night. They have 11 players and few younglings from their Mutant Academy. That’s their bloody problem. I don’t give a pig’s snout.

Djourou said that the squad is destined for greatness. It’s good to see that he played a major role.

At the start of the season, he and Szszsz were the number “4′s” in their positions. Vermaelen’s “3 day” injury and Squillaci’s poor form gave him his chance while Almunia’s form dip/injuries, Mannone’s loan move and Flyin Fabbi’s surgery ensured that Szszsz staked his own claim.

Fabregas and Wilshere said that Wednesday’s night’s game was their “best” ever in Arsenal colours.

Fabregas also called for focus and said that we’ll like to score an early goal then let them come at us.

The last time we scored an early goal and let them “come at us”, the result was catastrophic. But as they always say,”Lightening can’t strike the same place twice”

Besides we don’t have 5 or 6 injuries and we are a year older.

Wilshere put up the picture of him and his dad wielding Messi and Xavi’s jersey on Twitter.

This tweet explains how our Whizkhid got the jersey

“@cesc4official: @jack_wilshere cant believe i had 2 go to get Messi’s shirt for u. U wer so scared. u wer MOTM so next time pls ask ursef”

El Capitan the #snitch

That’s all for now.



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